Brilliance that surrounds me

Posted on May 16, 2008
Filed Under Anxiety, another dread disease, bat-ass crazy, bitching and moaning, kids, parenting | 12 Comments

I’ve been more optimistic recently. Almost giddy on the scent of spring – the distinctive mingle of lilacs, mown lawns and fertilizer in the air. There is rebirth in the vivid green of leaves finally come to cloak the poor, bare sticks of Winter. And there is the glee in the possibility of throwing up the sashes and inviting a fresh coat of pollen to fill these musty corners.

So then why do I feel compelled to listen to Sarah McLachlan sing Fallen over and over again, while sorting the woolens and placing cotton t-shirts and linen shorts in neat stacks on the bottom of bureau drawers?

Each time she pushes all that emotional energy up and out, hauntingly suffering through the refrain,

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

there’s a wretched nest of cotton that settles in my throat and the blur of tears in my eyes. It’s positively masochistic this putting myself front row at her concert of melancholy. Totally incongruous on a May day with fragile sprigs of lawn poking up through the moist and fertile earth, with rabbits sniffing around the perennial garden and robins hopping through the grass in search of fat, fat worms. The sky is the very shade of blue reserved for Spring and sea shore weddings. I am alien and awkward in this brilliance that surrounds me.

And possibly, just possibly this sadness has a wee bit to do with the two fliers that came home in O’s backpack this week. One informing us of another lice outbreak and the other about the presence of pin worm in the school.

Now please pop on over to the scene of Sarah McLachlan drowning herself in the bath tub and her wrecked lover tearing apart their pied-a-terre and you’ll need not imagine the depths I’ll sink to should either of those vermin enter our home.

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